Do you ever have those days where you question every thing? That’s how my day was. I couldn’t stop thinking about it all. Why do I live where I do and not on the other side of the globe? Why do I work doing what I do for a living when I’ve never actually enjoyed it. . . And am I even making a difference? For anyone? I should be working for myself. Why didn’t I go into the military or go to college for something I actually care about? Why don’t I hang-glide and climb mountains? Why bother showering this morning when no one even sees me during the day?

When my husband got home tonight, he showered, made a cocktail and headed straight for the shop to watch TV. I work all day and clean on my breaks. What is the point of anything? I hate days like this. I know I should take time to discover why my mind started this game today and how it progressed. But I just don’t want to. When I was drinking alcohol all the time, I had these days multiple times a week. The only difference is, I was always hung over when my mind raced with what-if’s. Now when I have days like this, I feel these questions in my bones and can’t shake them as easily. Quitting drinking is another question I have all the time. It’s not about why I quit – that one I know the answer to, and there’s hundreds of them. (at least!) It’s more about how I did it. It’s been almost two years since I quit drinking. Lots of people have how I did it, do I miss it, will I ever drink again, and so on. The toughest thing for me, is answering that first one. Because I’m not 100% sure how I quit. I think about the previous post I wrote on here. How I talked about begging for help and writing it down. Is this really how it happened? I do believe God had a hand in helping me, I really do. But I also think I had this hidden ability to just know enough was enough, and to just quit. I think we all do. I’m just trying to figure out how the connection actually and finally happened. And to me, of all people. Why did I get so lucky to have this happen to me? Which brings me back to today, and what this is all for. I feel like I was meant to help others quit smoking and drinking. But here I am, writing a blog to almost no one. Trying to understand what this is all for. . .

Looking Ahead . . .

I walked to the mailbox at lunch today. It was pretty much the first time I’d been outside in two days. I can’t believe how refreshing it was. It’s cold out, but it was like waking up for the first time in a couple of days. My God it felt good. I miss walking. Maybe I’m struggling with everything above because I feel the most like me when I’m outside. I’m not going to let the weather stop me from doing what I love. Do you guys think I’d freak anyone out walking down the road in a ski mask? 🤣